wasting time

deep thoughts

2006-06-27T20:43:00.000-07:00

by jack handy (just kidding...don't sue me, snl)

tonight i find myself in one of those deep, introspective moods--the type usually associated with poets, philosophers, and angst-ridden teenagers. i don't really know why. maybe it's frustration with work. maybe its because i'm packing in preparation for a move from the first place trinity and i have called home together. whatever the reason, it's prompted me to write a blog entry with no real point whatsoever. i know you're thinking, "and how exactly is that different from all the previous entries?" well, shame on you. you should know the effect that sort of negative thinking has on my fragile, angst-ridden psyche.

anyway, it's been pretty gloomy here in dc the last couple of days. trinity's gallavanting around in sunny san francisco, and constant rain from thunderstorms has left much of dc flooded (and more importantly, our roof leaking. i mean, who cares about all those other people whining about washed away roads and so forth? yawn). as far as natural disasters go, floods are pretty boring. i mean, how many blockbuster movies are there about floods? maybe some of them have flooding as a byproduct of hurricanes, tsunamis, etc., but they're not really the main event. when it comes down to it, tornados and volcanos are much sexier (and lucrative).

now that you've experienced a sample of my morose maunderings (i don't really know it that is a word, but it sounds damn good, so i'm going with it.), i invite you to send donations. see, the idea is that if you give me enough stuff, i'll agree not to write such rubbish anymore. you may think you can get away without giving me anything by simply refraining from future reading. i assure you that your feeble reasoning abilities have failed to grasp an important point. you will have to trust me on this.

it had to be said

2006-05-30T15:03:00.000-07:00

today is my birthday. and the trinity/me entity is moving into a new apartment in july. yes, i am awesome.

about that last entry...

2005-12-12T06:18:00.000-08:00

one words for you: drunk.

Philosophical thoughts on male urination

2005-12-01T19:54:00.000-08:00

No hands, one hand, or two hands? The perennial question. What does it mean? Does it imply anything? Perhaps the world will never know.

peapeeps

2005-08-29T13:43:00.000-07:00

a week or two ago, trinity and i ordered groceries online from peapod. at the time this seemed like a great idea; we could indulge our laziness by ordering from home while simultaneously getting fresher food than is available at the ghetto-fabulous local grocery store known as giant. unfortunately, the incompetence of the peapod people (or peapeeps, as i will refer to them from here on) destroyed our plan.

when our groceries arrived the next day, i was informed that they were out of stock of raspberry sorbet, so they had replaced it with a similar item...by which they meant vanilla ice cream. needless to say, i was a bit dismayed by this turn of events, but i merely chalked it up to the dangers of dealing with people who hate all that is good and right in the world (i.e. peapeeps).

then i found out that they were also out of both chicken and white bread. i sat for a moment, dumbfounded. how does a grocery warehouse run out of chicken and bread? maybe the steroid-pumped chickens snapped, visciously pecking their cruel captors to a bloody pulp before stampeding to freedom across fields of grain, leading to a chicken/bread shortage. or perhaps the machines used for harvesting grain finally gained sentience (just like in the sci-fi movies!) and unleashed their fury on an unsuspecting chicken population (damn them and their cold hearts of steel that know no love!).

then again, i suppose it's possible (ok, certain) that the peapeeps are merely grossly incompetent and should be sent to camps where they will learn the intricacies of stocking basic foodstuffs. let the revolution begin.

new blog link

2005-07-27T11:53:00.000-07:00

everybody should go and check out the latest website i've linked. the blog is written as if it is the personal diary of darth vader. i'm sure you're all thinking, "sure, that is funny to michael, self-proclaimed physicist and sci-fi loser, but i'm sure i'd hate it." well, as usual, you're wrong. i think you'll find it funny, as long as you've at least seen the original star wars trilogy.

if you haven't seen the original star wars trilogy, then what are you doing still alive?

anyway, if you muster the courage to check it out, make sure and start at the very beginning of the archives because the latest entry (i.e. the one posted at the top of the screen when you visit the site) is the final entry.

excitement!

2005-07-14T17:56:00.000-07:00

i know what you must be thinking. "two blog entries in two days?! what madness is this?!" i realize how horribly tacky it was to use not just one, but two (two!) '?!'s, but it was necessary. trust me on this.

unfortunately, there isn't too much for me to talk about. this is despite the fact that today has been more productive and exciting for me (as far as my research is concerned) than pretty much any day in the last week or so...mainly because even 'exciting' research for me is likely to be considered mind-numbingly boring to those of you without my superior intellect (translation: those of you who are not completely lame physics dork losers). just a taste...the majority of my day consisted of reading through a plasma physics paper, trying to follow all the conceptual and algebraic gymnastics necessary to successfully construct local magnetohydrodynamic 3D plasma equilibria. yeah, that's what i thought. loser.

despite how embarrassing this admission is, i must end this entry now, as i'm being distracted by a rerun of the oc. yeah.

still going

2005-07-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

i am frankly amazed that i've put out multiple blog entries in the last several days...and even more so that i am still going. it would appear that the laziness inherent in my very being is seeping away. however, in reality i am merely becoming even lazier in other aspects of my life so that i can aspire to such heights in my blogging. the sacrifices i make for you, my doting fans (dote, damn you!)...

so anyway...against all laws of probability, i sold my car a couple of days ago. i realize that this may seem like no great achievement to those of you unitiated in the esoteric mysteries of Michael's Dread of Human Interaction With People He Doesn't Know, Accompanied by the Need to Extract Money From These People (in case you're wondering, i'm not exactly sure of the grammar rules governing which of those words were supposed to start with a capital letter, and this bothers me deeply). however, i've been in the process of 'trying to sell my car' (translation: doing whatever i can to avoid actually having to sell the car, including possibly begging trinity to sell it for me) for about a year now, so the actual getting rid of the car and getting money for it was a momentous event which left me with a feeling of utter jubilation.

that is all.

in 1984 i was hospitalized for approaching perfection

2005-07-09T16:31:00.000-07:00

for those of you who don't know, the title for this entry is the opening line from the seminal american water album from the silver jews. if you really didn't know that, fie on you. you are not cool enough to continue reading this blog and must immediately listen to this album many times until you are cool enough.

also, fie on you all for not leaving any blog concepts for me, as per my command two blog entries ago. do you not realize that my tough-guy act is just a pitiful facade? beneath my gruff exterior is a sensitive, caring individual who just wants to be loved. why won't you love me?

at this point, i'd just like to let you know that i'm momentarily drunk while writing this entry. there. it's out there. drunk. blogging. what a horrible, irresponsible person i am. i'm also painting. aren't i cool and artistic? by the way, i just thought about intentionally misspelling the word artistic in that last sentence to emphasize the whole drunkenness thing. would that have been cute and artistic, or just pathetic. i can't make up my mind.

by the way, i wasn't serious about the whole not cool enough for this blog thing that i said in the first paragraph. well, maybe i was but i don't mind. you don't have to be cool to read my blog. i mean, i'm not cool, and i write my blog. self-pity. fashionable or no?

i must say, i am now realizing that this whole entry is done in the stream-of-consciousness style, which i'm sure is a result of me currently reading 'a heartbreaking work of staggering genius' by somebody eggers. yes, i know. copycat. however, i must say that it's easier to just write what comes to mind than to think long and hard about what is to be said. evidently, i must say 'i must say' as well, as i have apparently used it several times (or even twice) in the last paragraph. shameful.

ok, ok. i'm rambling. and drunk. these are valid complaints. i will consequently end this entry right now. but i can't think of anything wonderful and hilarious to end the entry with. or even wonderful. or hilarious. a joke maybe? a breezy witticism? maybe i'll just relate something i read on the internet that i found to be a bit amazing.

so, evidently some woman posted something online saying that her cat had been set on fire by somebody in the neighborhood and that she had some $5,000 vet bill. people of course sent her money, but in the end she revealed that the whole thing was a hoax. in fact, she claimed that it was an experiment meant to restore her (and her father's) faith in humanity. needless to say, these wonderful people who restored her faith in humanity didn't find this hoax so funny, and went about tearing her down online. rightfully so. that's what she gets for having faith in humanity.

i know that didn't make sense. so what? what do you want from me?

acts of gord

2005-07-05T18:04:00.000-07:00

you might notice that i've added a new link to "the acts of gord." it is funny. you will read and enjoy...or else.

conceptual blog ideas

2005-07-05T14:52:00.000-07:00

every once in awhile i come up with a brilliant concept for a new blog. however, as i am wantonly lazy, i have been unable to follow through with any of these ideas. from time to time, i briefly entertain the idea that i will one day get my act together and put these blog ideas to good use. however, i am now admitting that it is unlikely this will ever happen, so i will simply present some of the ideas to you here. you are even welcome to use them if you wish. just know that they will never turn out as good as they would have if i had been the one implementing them.

idea #1: you know how every year around christmas, the local newspapers publish the unashamedly cute 'letters to santa'? well, i think it would be a good idea if every day someone would post a couple of these letters with some helpful comments for the kiddies that wrote them. like, "you are a selfish child and should count yourself lucky if your parents don't beat you daily. also, you clearly have no grasp of the english language and will one day grow up to be an assistant manager at mcdonald's."

this blog entry will have to be continued because i grow weary of all this blogging. oh, and feel free to post your own blog concepts. if you are lucky, i will single yours out and tell you how incredibly stupid it is.

return of the blog

2005-05-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

right. so i haven't updated this blog in a little while. ok, a long while. here's my story:

a short time after my last entry, i vanished. everyone thought i was dead. in fact, i was abducted by a group of terrorists bent on unlocking the secrets of thermonuclear fusion, which they mistakenly thought i could help them with. as i am a genius and do research loosely related to fusion, can anybody really blame them? anyway, while taking me to their secret base in canada (never trust canadians), there was a car accident that killed the terrorists and left me in a coma. after a few months i miraculously recovered, but i had no recollection of my previous life. that's right...amnesia! i spent the next several months working as a night club bouncer in a little dump on the canadian border. during a bar room brawl last week, i got smashed over the head, and my memory returned. just got home a couple of days ago. qed.

so maybe i'm lying. that doesn't mean i'm a liar or anything. well, maybe it does...but you can't prove anything!

still, it would make a good soap opera plot...i'd just need to throw in some demonic possession, random sex and blackmail, and my evil twin...the one that 'returned' and made up the absurd story from above. hehe...suckers!

failure

2004-11-22T18:05:00.000-08:00

only on my first step of the first step, and already my plan for recovery is a failure. looking back at my previous blog entry, i realized that it's not actually crappy. it's every bit as hilarious and inspiring as my previous entries...pure genius. *sigh* i tried to be sub-par for you, my fans...i really did...but i failed. i suppose i must simply resign myself to perfection.

baby steps

2004-11-22T17:49:00.000-08:00

hello everybody. my name is michael, and i have a problem. it's what i like to call nervous blogger syndrome. you see, it's kind of like the whole nervous peeing sydrome thing...except it doesn't involve peeing. in short, i haven't been keeping this blog up to date because i feel pressured to put out high quality prose...so i put off my posts hoping i'll come up with some flash of genius (like in all my previous posts).

however, i'm now making the first step towards recovery. you see, i've decided to make this a really crappy blog entry so that i realize perfection is unattainable. all i have to do is continually force myself to put out frequent, crappy blog entries, and eventually i'll be able to come to terms with my mediocrity. it's like one of those 12-step programs. except it doesn't have 12 steps. it has only 1 step. but, it's 1 step over and over again...maybe even 12 times.

i'll leave you with a deep, philosophical question:

if you could have any super-power, what would it be?

deep, man.

Whining

2004-11-06T08:27:00.001-08:00

First, let me apologize to my many, many fans for not posting in awhile. There have been so many pressing matters to attend to here that I haven't had the time to compose anything (translate: I've been playing old super nintendo games and reading books I've already read a million times + I'm lazy).

The last week has been somewhat depressing. Trinity is travelling, and good ole G.W. was reelected as the leader of the free world. Now, I wasn't a big Kerry fan. In fact, I rather disliked the idea of him as president. However, there are certain things one is willing to put up with in order to prevent other things from occurring. That's right, one of the 'other things' is Bush as president. Here's why:

1) Accountability. During his last term, Bush made the decision to go to war and bring about the deaths of untold people with the justification that the world was being rid of a dire threat. This hinged on the existence of weapons of mass destruction, and none turned up. Without the weapons of mass destruction, destroying all these people was unjustified. I mean, there are bad and cruel rulers in many nations at this time, and we can't kill them all. Bush must be held accountable for all the death he ordered; there must be repercussions. Otherwise, what's to stop future presidents and other world leaders from declaring war for any reasons they choose?

2) Intolerance. Bush's administration embodies a disturbing trend in the American populace: intolerance. When you try to give gay and lesbian couples fewer rights than heterosexual couples, how can it be called anything other than discrimination? If people feel that marriage is a religious establishment, that's fine. Allow homosexuals to marry and call it civil union or whatever you feel good about calling it. However, since their can be no discrimination based on religious belief, then those that follow some religion and get married can't be given some special priviledges that non-religious, unmarried people don't get. The really sad thing about all of this is that this discrimination is being advocated in the name of Christianity, which is meant to espouse ideals along the line of 'love thy neighbor.'

3) Public Relations. In case you haven't noticed, the entire world hates America. It's true that some of the world hated us already...but it was mostly extremists. Now, the average non-American citizen dislikes America. They all see Bush as an aggressive moron (understandably so), which reflects poorly on the American people who elected him. This election we had the chance to stand up and show that Americans don't share the Bush vision...that we respect non-American citizens. We failed miserably. Now the international community knows that Bush reflects the views of the average U.S. citizen.

There's more to the rant, but I'll end it there. The next post won't be so whiny and depressing...I'll return to the usual fluff.

microserfs

2004-10-22T18:10:00.000-07:00

my 7 jeopardy dream categories:

1) indie bands of the 90's
2) grammar rules
3) the wheel of time
4) plasma physics fun
5) super nintendo rpgs
6) programming in C++
7) all things discworld

actually, coming up with these categories was kind of depressing. i realized about halfway in that i'm not much of an expert on anything...and by anything, i don't mean 'anything of consequence' or 'anything that anybody that has a life cares about.' i mean, for every category i listed, there are surely people out there who know alot more about it than me.

on second thought, perhaps i should be happy that i'm not the world expert on something like super nintendo rpgs. i mean, that would be depressing in a kind of 'wow, what an incredible loser i must be' kind of way. instead, i'm just left feeling inadequate, which i've been used to for years.

my first time

2004-10-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

so...i've never done this before. can you tell? you can, can't you? how embarassing.

anyway, trinity (my wife) cajoled me into doing this in imitation of her. well, maybe she didn't exactly cajole me...more like merely suggested the idea in passing. anyway, i'm sure my blog won't be as stylish as hers, but what can one expect? she has a degree in the design-based major of architecture while i'm a grad student in physics. that's right, physics...a field synonymous with pale, emaciated, bespectacled guys who've lost touch with reality and have no life outside the world of sci-fi books and computers. personally, i'm offended by this stereotype. i mean, yeah, i'm a pale, emaciated guy who has lost touch with reality and spends my time reading sci-fi books and playing on my computer, but i haven't worn glasses since the fifth grade, damn it!

well, i think i've probably made a big enough fool of myself for now. the comforting thing is that i've only done so in front of the select few that get to read this blog (translation: in front of the only person who will ever care enough to read it, my wife). more rambling later.